Belated
by Nette
Summary: It was Carter's birthday a few days ago and he has to do something he's not looking forward to. A close friend is there, though. - Carby! ; )


**Rating**: PG  
**Spoilers**: No spoilers if you have seen the episodes up to 10.21 - "Midnight".  
**Summary**: It was Carter's birthday a few days ago and he has to do something he's not looking forward to. A close friend is there, though. - Carby! ; )  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything ... ; )  
**Feedback**: I'd love to know what you think! : )  
**Author's notes**: This is my entry for the "One Can Only Hope" fanfic challenge in July. No spoilers – just some obvious things I think will happen - without reading spoilers. ; )  
Thank you Tracey for beta reading! ::hugs::  
  
The challenge was:   
- 1500 to 2000 words  
- Carter's belated birthday  
  
**"Belated"**  
  
I sigh deeply as I stand in front of the hospital doors.  
I've been here so many times before .. I couldn't count how many times exactly, even if I wanted to – I'm working here. It shouldn't be a problem.   
But today is different.   
  
The ER is not where I want to be – it's my day off. God knows I'd rather work, than go through what I have to do today.   
Of course I don't have to – but I want to. I owe her to be here .. I owe _him_ to be here. What happened to me is not his fault after all.   
  
I sigh again – fiddling nervously with the stuffed animal in my hands – and finally bring my feet to move and carry me inside.   
  
I notice immediately how hectic it is here. And the typical hospital smells reach my nostrils in a matter of seconds.   
It's funny how usually this place symbolizes something positive for me – a place where people in need get the help they're looking for. But even that seems to have changed today. All I can think about is pain and suffering. And the chaos around me seems unbearable.   
  
I wonder how I get through this every day when I'm here to work.   
But I guess the _doctor-mode_ works like a shield, letting me do what I have to do, blocking out all the misery I see every day.   
I'm here without my shield today.   
  
I glance briefly over to the elevator as I walk towards the stairs. But I know I won't take it. I'm not in a hurry. It's the opposite. I wish the route I still have ahead was longer – I wish I had more time to think.   
  
But I know it's useless. What's going on in my head isn't possible to solve within an elevator's ride .. nor would the longest stairs give me enough time to be completely prepared. It will take more than a few seconds .. or minutes .. or even days, weeks or months before I can think clearly again – if ever.   
  
My feet feel heavy – but I'm still faster on my way upstairs than I want to be. And the wheels in my head just won't stop turning. How will it be to see him? Will I be happy for her .. for _them_? Or sad for myself? Or both? Am I ready to see him?   
I know I should be – it wouldn't be fair otherwise. The world doesn't stop turning because of what happened to me.   
  
Before I know it I reach where I wanted to go.   
_Maternity Ward_  
  
I feel a sting in my heart as I look at all the babies behind the glass .. hear the cries.   
I see boys, girls, screaming babies, sleeping babies.   
If only they knew how much they mean to their parents – and how much it would hurt if ever anything happened to them.   
  
I take a deep breath before I finally walk inside.   
I'm greeted by a nurse immediately. "Good morning, Sir. Can I help you? You're surely looking for your son or daughter. It's always so hard to find them among all the bundles of joy," the elderly woman tells me cheerfully.   
  
I smile at her sadly. I'm sure she wouldn't talk to me like this if she knew what happened only a month ago. But she can't know. "No .. I'm here to visit a friend's baby."   
"Oh, what's your friend's name?" she asks me, still in the same cheerful way. Sometimes I'm surprised myself how well I am at hiding my feelings.   
  
"Lewis. Susan Lewis."   
Her face lights up immediately. "Oh, little Ethan. He's an angel," she exclaims. "Your friend is very lucky to have such a gorgeous boy. He's just over there."   
I just nod before I follow her, walking past all the little cribs before we reach him.   
  
"Here we are," she tells me, pointing at the sleeping baby in the crib in front of us.   
"Thank you," I say, mesmerized by the sleeping figure instantly.   
"Stay as long as you want to," she informs me before she walks away.   
  
The nurse was right, he _is_ gorgeous. He looks like a perfect little angel, sleeping peacefully in his light blue onesie.   
His eyes are closed but you can tell that they're Susan's. It's her nose as well.   
  
I can't help but smile at the sight. I thought I'd be bitter, sad about my own loss. But now that I'm looking at him, taking a step towards him carefully, I can't help but feel happy. Happy for Susan, happy for Chuck.   
Though of course it's not pure joy that I feel. I will never forget my own son – who was never allowed to be here. And I still don't understand why. And I guess I never will. There's no reason. He never did anything wrong to deserve such a short life.   
  
I read the name tag on the crib as I walk even closer.   
  
Name _Ethan Henry Lewis Martin_  
Date of Birth _June 2nd, 2004_  
  
That was his due date. Our sons could have had the same birthday. They could have been lying here next to each other. They could have been friends in Kindergarten. They could have played baseball together, gone to school together ..   
They _should_ have.   
  
"Hello little man," I whisper shakily. "I'm John, your mom's friend."   
Despite the happiness I feel for Susan, my vision gets blurry and I feel a single tear slide down my cheek as I reach out with my right hand to stroke the baby's head, smoothing down his soft blonde hair, tracing with my index finger along his facial features carefully, caressing his soft cheeks lovingly, holding his tiny hand in mine.   
I wish I could do that with my little boy.   
  
"He's beautiful, isn't he?" I suddenly hear a voice behind me say.   
I'm surprised that I'm not alone anymore. But I'm not startled. The voice is soft and warm, full of concern. And I don't need to turn around to know who it is.   
"He is," I whisper carefully, still looking at him. I don't want to wake him up.   
  
I hear her coming closer to me before I feel her hand on my shoulder. To feel her comforting gesture makes me feel better immediately.   
"I .. I had to come here .." I begin to explain, the tears still apparent in my voice.   
She just nods. "I know."   
  
I take my eyes off of the baby and look at her now. To look into her warm brown eyes is even more comforting. I can see that they're full of concern for me and that she understands me without words.   
  
"How are you holding up?" she asks me after a moment.   
I shrug my shoulders and smile at her sadly. I know I don't need to tell her how I feel for her to know. She just knows it. But I feel like talking anyway.   
"The house seems huge – and empty. Ever since Kem left it's silent," I sigh. "Not that we talked much since .." I trail off and swallow hard. " But it kept me busy to take her mind off grieving .. I thought we could go through this together .. But since our only connection is gone .. I guess it's better that she's back home now .."   
  
She nods knowingly, pulling me into a hug, wrapping her arms around me tightly.   
I wrap my arms around her as well, greeting the closeness to her that I missed for so long, letting myself go in her embrace, getting strength from her.   
  
She kisses my cheek lightly as we part after a moment holding my right hand in hers.   
"I'll go see Susan now .. do you come with me?"   
"Just a moment .. I need .. I .."   
"Okay," she interrupts me, knowing that I need a little more time – before she turns around, walking towards the door, holding my hand until she's out of reach.   
  
As she reaches the door she turns back around. "Carter .." she begins. "John .. I know your birthday was two days ago and I won't say happy belated birthday now .. it just seems inappropriate .. but," she stammers, like she doesn't know what to say. I wish she knew that all she says makes me feel so much better. "I .. I just wanted you to know that I didn't forget .. that I wish for you that everything will get better soon .. and that I'm always here if you need to talk or anything .."   
I nod knowingly. "Thank you."   
She just nods as well and smiles before she leaves.   
  
A birthday – something my son will never be able to celebrate.   
  
I didn't really realize that it was mine until Abby mentioned it. I don't mind that nobody congratulated me – be it because they forgot or for being tactful. But that Abby remembered it means something to me. And it makes me realize that life goes on, that little gestures can mean so much.   
  
I'm far from being over my son's death .. but I will probably have many more birthdays – and the people around me as well. We should appreciate every birthday that we're allowed to experience.   
  
I bring up my left arm to wipe away my tears with the sleeve of my jacket when I remember that I brought something with me.   
I place the stuffed bunny carefully next to his still sleeping form, a genuine smile on my face as I look at him.   
  
The bunny was meant to be for my own son. But I want him to have it.   
  
"Happy belated birthday, little Ethan," I whisper, stroking softly along his cheek again. "And I hope that many many more will follow."   
  
The End.   



End file.
